I R a Journalist

Now that CBS has led the way, I thought I’d give it a try. [Click the thumbs for a better look.]

KNOXVILLE, TN — As world-famous blog pundit Glenn Reynolds was trying to shove yet another puppy into his blender this morning, his hand slipped and jammed between the blender’s blades and side. As Reynolds was trying to free his fingers, the puppy popped out and its paw accidentally hit the purée button. Reached at his home after emergency surgery Reynolds said, “There was always some confusion in the Old Media, but now you can call me ‘Righty’.”

Full_taser2WASHINGTON, DC — Senior campaign staffers for presidential candidate John Kerry, tired and sore from shooting themselves in the feet so often, opted instead today to “group stun” themselves with a Taser. Campaign head Mary Beth Cahill said, “It was the biggest thrill I’ve had since Bill Clinton stuck his hand up my dress at our National Convention and is totally in line with Senator Kerry’s position for continuing the ban on assault weapons.”

AIKEN, SC — Police in Aiken, SC say that they have a promising lead on the masked bandit who held up a local bank using a rusty pitchfork. “We got a call”, a police spokesperson said, “from one of John Kerry’s people saying that it was Ralph Nader. Evidently he needed more money for his campaign.” The spokesperson went on to say, “We have some dumbshits here in South Carolina, but this Yankee beats ’em all.”

CHICAGO, IL — Chicago’s Mayor Daley said yesterday that the city would link together over 2,000 surveillance cameras by election day in an effort to catch dead people voting for George Bush. The mayor was quoted as saying, “Dead people voting for Republicans has always been a problem in Chicago and I want to put a stop to it.” White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan was laughing too hard to give a statement, and later had to be shot with a tranquilizer dart and hospitalized overnight.

My lawyer insists that I include the following small print:

I found all of these stories on Fark and I swear I thought that they were still true after I edited them to fit the facts as I knew they should be. If Dan Rather can stand by his stories and still have a job, why the hell can’t I stand by mine? Bite me!


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